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So I guess I need to get a few things off my chest. Needless to say it’s been an …interesting few weeks here in my new home. Moving to California seemed like the best decision for me, and I was completely confident in my decision to do so. I did it for the right reasons, you know? My uncle passed away a few months ago, and my aunt, a woman who through what I’ve seen really can handle whatever life throws at her on her own, seemed like she needed the help. So I moved here, with all the idealistic notions that I could come up here with. Not to negate what I’ve done, because I’ve really done a lot of good since I’ve been here: I’ve itemized a lot of my uncles assets, appraised a decent amount of the items, and have even sold a handful of things… any bit of money can help, right? I’ve even managed to get a routine of chores done around here, going so far as to make sure dinner is on the table by the time my aunt gets home from work (it’s interesting how much fun I’ve been having cooking, rather, how much fun I’ve been having “experimenting” with cooking. No worries, I’ve actually managed to make some pretty tasty food). Yet all of that doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t feel like enough.
I’ve narrowed it down to one simple fact: I need to get a job; I need to be around people. Out here in Wheatland, it’s a little isolated. In Las Vegas, I had the comfort of a rather large group of friends that I had the privilege of seeing on just about a daily basis. Yet out here, the sense of loneliness is a bit overwhelming. Almost to the point of depression, but I think that depression goes back to the “needing a job” bit. I feel like I’m not contributing to society. Financially I am so beyond screwed right now it’s ridiculous. Every day I’ve managed to crank out at least 2-5 applications a day, just waiting on callbacks. I have a lot of balls in the air right now on that front. I’ve managed to get several people involved and are passing my resume out as we speak, but I guess the problem is that I’m severely impatient. Not only to take care of my financial burdens, but to give me a sense of purpose. They say that it’s crushing to a person’s ego to feel non-complacent, and I’m starting to see how that is true. Even working a lame job as a security officer I managed to make money, to have people to be around, and to give my life some sense of direction. Out here, my life can be anything I want it to be …I just wish the pieces would fall together quicker.
To add to that, I’ve put my love life on hold because like my social life, it seems to be nonexistent until I get a good network of people out here. I miss people. I miss having someone around that I can call and spend time with. I miss cuddling, and all the silly romantic notions that entails. I guess I just feel like I’m drifting out here in the dark. I feel like I’ve failed in making a life for myself out here. The question is do I let these feelings weigh me down like a heavy blanket? Or do I stop feeling sorry for myself and keep trudging along, waiting for something to happen. I’ve been doing all the necessary steps to make sure something happens eventually …but I guess this is all just a lesson in patience. All good things come to those who wait I guess.
In the interum, I’ll do what I’ve been doing. Head down, power through.